Wednesday, 26 September 2012

The truth about why I don't have any friends.

Actually, let me rename that. Let's call this "The Truth About Why I Never Hang Out With Anybody" because it's not that I don't have friends, it's that I hardly ever see, talk to or do anything with my friends. But they totally do exist and a lot of them actually live in other cities and countries, which may not be a total coincidence now that I think about it.


Anyway...the friends I do have are amazing humans. They're the wonderful combination of confidence and self-sufficiency and kindness. They're smart and interesting and funny and busy. They're not needy time-sucking emotional vampires who want someone to constantly fawn over them. They don't begrudge the fact that I don't least I think they don't. I wouldn't know because I never call to find out (ha).

As I've probably mentioned like 80 billion times already and should be quite obvious by the fact that I even have a blog ... I am an introvert. Big time. I am one of the most introverted people I know.

The combination of wanting so badly to not interact with people and having to take a busy bus every day to a customer service type job really creates this bottomless vortex of solitude-craving. I can never be alone enough.  I love knowing that there are friends out there, and the weirdest thing is I enjoy spending time with them, but I just have this insane desire to hide. All. The. Time.

Have you ever had the phone ring and have a panic attack because it might be someone wanting to talk to you about your day? Have you ever heard that someone you've been dying to see for months is coming to town and you just want to shut the blinds and not answer the door? There's this overwhelming relief when I don't "have to" hang out with people and also this amazingly huge guilt. What is wrong with me?

The thing about any relationship is sometimes you actually have to add some kindling to the flame or it'll die out. And my biggest fear when it comes to my friends is they're going to give up on me. I'm maybe not all I think I am, why should they waste their time even keeping me on their Rolodex.*

I've been really doing the absolute bare minimum lately, friends-wise. There's always something. Oh I'm working too much, the kids are here, my feet are hurt, I have other plans, I got a tooth pulled, I live out of town, I have no money, I'll have to take the bus...there's always some excuse to not do something. What I need to get through my thick skull is that friends are there to help as well, not just to entertain.

As I type this today I've got two separate friends from out of town here in Victoria and I've taken the day off work to lay in my pajamas with my hurt boyfriend who has torn muscles off the bone in his abdomen and I don't know what the answer is.

Do you ever feel spread so thin you just want to do nothing? How do you handle this?

*no idea why I felt the need to use Rolodex imagery in this post