Wednesday, 19 December 2012

moby's dick - pictures of a dead whale

Hey, I keep saying the same thing every day but in case you don't read nothin' no time I'll say it again: I'm doing the Christmas with my family so here's some old thing I wrote about a dead whale.

You heard me.



Get it?

But seriously, the whole thing was really cool and sad and beautiful and stinky. (hello, four day old dead whale...ew.) So basically, for those of you not in the know, this juvenile whale washed ashore at a park sorta near where I live. From the info I can gather it died from a combination of starvation, a wind storm and an orca attack. (why does my spell check not recognize 'orca'?) Rough couple of days, for mister teenage whale, yo.

So we went to see it on Wednesday afternoon.

We used this opportunity to talk about death with the children.

Exhibit A:

Ryan: Be respectful, remember this whale was once alive and swimming in the ocean.

Me: And it's gonna stink. It's a giant dead body!

Exhibit B:

Kid1: What's that green thing in it's mouth?

Me: Its tongue.

Kid1: Why's it green?

Me: I dunno, like, bacteria or something. That's what happens to dead things. They get all rotten.

Kid1: Maybe my tongue will turn green when I die.

Me: Yeah, probably.


Here are some pictures, because I know how much you all love dead animals.

Warning: very sad and gross photos ahead with some blood and weird square holes for some reason (?) (you'll see)

And I'll be honest; as much as I make jokes and talk about its penis, it was really awful to imagine this whale alive just four days previous. It was a privilege to be able to see it, and ... well this photo makes me feel sad, but at the same time, isn't there something telling about it? I don't know. Like maybe there is a bit of expression left on this whale's face.



Looking back I feel like I should have used more respectful language, this was an amazing opportunity to be able to see a whale so close up. It was a majestic animal, and even though it died of natural causes it was still a very sad sight to behold.

Welp, now that I've completely depressed you all, here are some jokes about whales:


One day a pod of whales was swimming along when a whaling vessel came along. One of the male whales got beneath the boat and started blowing water through his blowhole until the boat capsized, throwing the sailors overboard. At this point the other whales started chanting "Eat them! Eat them! Eat them!" But this is where the male whale drew the line - he'd blow sailors but he wouldn't swallow seamen.


Why did the whale cross the ocean? To get to the other tide. 


A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to a whale. The whale turns to him and says: "[insert realistic whale sounds for 10 to 30 seconds]." Guy looks at the whale and says, "Man, you are wasted."


What do whales like to chew? Blubber gum.


A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a whale sitting next to him. "Are you a whale?" asked the man, surprised. "Yes." "What are you doing at the movies?" The whale replied, "Well, I liked the book."


What do you call a group of whales that play musical instruments? An orca-stra. 


 A priest, a rabbi, and a whale come into a bar. The priest says “Well I believe jesus christ is the only begotten son of god and my lord and savior, so I will have some communion wine.” The rabbi says “Well I don’t believe the messiah has yet walked the earth, so I’ll have manischewitz wine.” The whale says “WAAAAEEEEEOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNHHHHH”