Monday, 17 December 2012

I watch The Human Centipede so you don't have to.

This is the second post I'm sharing with you all while I'm away galavanting in the snow or whatever people do during Christmas holidays. I'll probably be drunk the entire time. Anyway, I wrote this originally like a hundred years ago when Human Centipede stuff was still relevant. Enjoy!


The Human Centipede: I watch it so you don't have to. 

Yeah, sure. It's been done before. But seriously you guys, I've wanted to watch this movie since I heard of its existence. And I'm too scared to do it alone.

I'd like to think of it as just another one of those horror movies that you watch and talk through the entire movie. Like, "As if that would happen" and "Why would you go back in the basement, you deserve to die you idiot" and stuff like that... I have a feeling it's not gonna be all teddy bears and unicorns though.

 Even though someone made a cat toy of the movie.

The trailer disturbed me so much that I couldn't stop thinking about this movie for weeks. I made jokes about it until it got old. I pretended to try and find the movie on various mediums because "I wanted to watch it so bad"... the truth though? I'm scared.
A lot.

So yeah. Here we are. Because it's on Netflix and I have no choice but to bite the bullet and get it over with once and for all.

Here's the plan: I'm going to watch the movie. I'm going to hit stop every little while and tell you what is going on and give some helpful commentary. It's not gonna be pretty. I'm really doing this for myself because it'll give me an excuse to pause the gross parts.

Alternatively, it could be for you if you read this while watching the movie if you don't want to watch it alone. It'll be like I'm there with you!

Are you ready for this?
Here we go.

Oh, wait...

Seriously, I'm ruining the whole movie. 
Consider yourself warned.

0:00:00 I haven't even pushed play yet and I'm so scared already. This is gonna be terrible. I've already Googled some images from the movie and this is what kept coming up.

I'm not looking forward to this. Also? I'm home alone. At least it's day time. And all the lights are on in my house.

0:00:33 - Opening credit scene: cars driving around on a highway. Not scary yet! But the music is creepy.

0:00:48 - wait, I just noticed this movie is called "The Human Centipede - First Sequence" ...does that mean there's going to be a part two? Agh.

0:01:41 - There's a weird looking man sitting in a car on the side of the road. He's wearing aviators and looking at something in his lap.

0:01:54 - Oh, it's a photograph of two dogs ass-to-mouth. He's wiping it with a handkerchief for some reason. And he's breathing weird, like either he's crying or he's really excited.

0:02:08 - Now he's petting a photo of three ass-to-mouth dogs. And a semi truck is pulling up to his car.

0:02:34 - A trucker got out of the truck with some toilet paper. Weird looking man is totally watching him from his car.

0:02:44 - He just got out of the car with a rifle! WTF? This movie's moving pretty quickly from creepy to violent.

0:03:32 - Alright I'm stopping this far too often. Anyway the weird guy who I'm assuming is the doctor guy followed the poor plaid-sporting pooping trucker behind a bush and shot him. But it didn't show anything so you just kind of have to assume he shot him. There was kind of a shooting noise.

0:04:05 - Hotel room, pretty girls phoning for directions to a nightclub. This can't lead to anything good. Other girl is on the phone with someone named "Amy", wishing she was there. Apparently these are Americans? They're in Germany on their way from Holland to Italy.

0:04:32 - They tell Amy they got her a present. It's wooden shoes in a plastic bag. Amazing.

0:05:51 - Oh gosh, the American pretty girls are driving around in the woods? Looking for a nightclub. They hit something with their car and the noise woke my cat up. It was hilarious. She's all like "WTF?" and I'm like "LOL it was the movie you idiot." Good times.


0:07:17 - THERE'S NO CELL PHONE SIGNAL! And the acting isn't so great either.

0:07:24 - All of a sudden it starts to rain. Classic.They go in the car.

0:07:57 -  "I have heels and shorts on. I am not going outside." What? Who wears that?

0:08:13 - A car is coming. They're arguing about whether or not to roll down the window. Also? It's suddenly not raining.

0:08:42 - Um...they roll down the window and start yammering about their flat tire in ENGLISH to a GERMAN man. And then he's all like "I have a horny video of you" and they're like "Um, no, we speak ENGLISH" to him. What?

0:09:00 - He's being really gross. But they can't understand. Oh, American girls.

0:09:24 - They looked up what he said in the dictionary and then rolled up the window and locked the doors. He's still saying things to them. Not cool.

0:10:01 - He sat there that entire time making lewd gestures while they sat in their car not looking at him and going "EW, why is he looking at us?"

0:10:42 - Okay, the plan is to walk for like, ten minutes to look for help and then run back to the car. What could go wrong? Girlfriend is still wearing heels and shorts for your information.

0:10:59 - Yeah, the best place to find a house would be in the middle of the woods, right? Not by walking down the road...

0:11:28 - "All the trees look the same." Yeah, they're totally lost. And fighting. And shorts girl is "freezing cold".

0:12:01 - Shorts is having a temper tantrum.

0:12:34 - "It's a house or something" ... "Ugh for some reason I don't believe you." hahaha who wrote this script? Oh, hey, now it's raining!

0:12:51 - HAHAHA Oh my god, there's a little gravestone in front of the house they found that says "My sweet 3-dog". Amazing.

0:13:33 - They just ran around the house for like a full minute going "Hello? Hello? Is anyone home?" And trying to look in all the windows.

0:13:50 - That scary doctor guy came to the door. HE'S SO SCARY LOOKING!

0:14:10 - Um...yikes. They're all like "OMG can we use your phone?" and the first thing the guy says to them is "Are you alone?" Um, hey girls? That's not normal.

0:14:29 - That guy's face looks like a centipede. That's what I thought the movie was going to be the first time I saw the trailer. I thought he would turn into a centipede, kind of like Jeff Goldblum in The Fly.

0:14:33 - His front door locks with a key! NOOO!

0:14:54 - I can't understand why this guy speaks English.

0:14:58 - I just noticed he has a giant painting of conjoined twin fetuses on the wall behind them. Yikes.

0:15:42 - "Are you relatives?" Um...just call the car service or GTFO


0:16:27 - They just noticed the painting.

0:16:36 - He's pretending to call for help for them, and putting something in their water! NOOO!

0:17:25 - I don't like the way he's leaning on those pillows.

0:17:54 - "I don't like human beings." Um...okay Dr.Creepy.

0:18:24 - One of the girls spilled some water and the Dr. was super mad and was all like "YOU STUPID COW" but it was in German so it sounded way meaner. Then he went to get her another glass of water and the two girls agreed to share their glass of drugs water like good little patsies.

0:18:45 - The doctor went down some stairs and turned on an eerie blue fluorescent humming light. This is gonna be bad, I can tell. Meanwhile the girls decided they had to get out of the house. Then they finished their water. *sigh*

0:19:12 - Basement = hospital bed, breathing guy and lots of medical sounding beeps.

0:19:20 - Girls decide to call a taxi and go back to their hotel. If only they could.

0:19:22 - I don't like the looks of that syringe. (basement's going back and forth pretty quickly)

0:19:29 - "I'm really tired." THE DRUGS ARE KICKING IN! NOOO!

0:19:47 - The doctor comes upstairs with a towel and a syringe. NOO!

0:19:57 - He threw the towel at one girl. She was like "whaaat?". Not literally, you could see it in her face.

0:20:15 - Shorts is falling asleep on the couch, the other girl just asked the doctor to call them a taxi. "No. I don't do another phone call." UH OH

0:20:29 - "I'm tired" "What? What's going on? Look at me." "The rape drug." "WHAT?" Yeah, that conversation just happened. Then he described all the effects of rohypnol and busted out the syringe. And then the other girl started to feel it. Ugh, that would totally suck to be them right now. Probably later too.

0:21:05 - The other girl is now vomiting and crawling and trying to get away. Very slowly. It's not working.

0:21:46 - Good ol' slow motion injection shot. EWWW. Now they're both out and the doctor's taking a breather.

0:22:22 - The doctor at the breakfast table, eating and destroying all identification the girls had on them.

0:22:56 - The smarter girl just woke up strapped to a hospital bed next to shorts who is next to a moaning man.

0:23:36 - I guess all their screaming alerted the doctor that they were awake.

0:24:10 - The doctor leaned in all intimately toward the man in the bed and said "My friend, you don't match. I have to kill you."

0:24:50 - Well, at least he was killed by lethal injection...maybe better than becoming a fucking sewing project, right?

0:25:57 - And the doctor buried him in the backyard. Just like his 3-dog!

0:25:59 - Uh oh, the doctor just got home from somewhere...with his rifle!

0:26:24 - Carrying a knocked-out smaller man into the house.

0:26:30 - LOL! He has a cartoonish looking dart sticking out of his bum.

0:27:05 - Now the boy is getting slapped awake by the doctor, he's also strapped into one of the beds. speaking Japanese? I think? (Note to self: learn Japanese)

0:27:09 - No, wait, I think it's Chinese. (Note to self: learn Chinese too.)

0:27:49 - Oh, he just said he's Japanese. Actually he said "The Japanese possess unbelievable strength when backed into a corner." Potayto, Potahto.

0:28:07 - Dude's labcoat is intense. So many buttons!

0:28:23 - He's about to give a slide-show of some sort. Gee, I wonder what it's gonna be about?

0:28:40 - Ah, he used to separate siamese twins as a profession. How noble!

0:29:24 - We start with cutting the ligaments of the kneecaps! WHA? WHY? NO!

0:29:28 - Uh...knee extension? I don't get it. This is why I failed evil surgeon school.

0:30:15 - Wow, that Japanese dude is angry. Also? Ew to the surgery plans.

0:30:59 - "A siamese triplet" ... hey crazy doctor, don't they prefer to be called "conjoined triplets"? I'm just sayin'...

0:31:31 - Huh, the doctor just called it "The Human Centipede, first sequence" ... so does that mean there's not gonna be a sequel? Or um... what? I still don't get why they need to do the knee thing.

0:32:00 - Hey Japanese guy, here's your breakfast. Some drugs. And something about anesthesia which makes me worried that this scene is gonna get gross.

0:32:39 - Oh yeah, so she just thinks to try and untie herself now? Geez.

0:32:42 - Really? Did she just say "I want my mom?"

0:32:56 - And in six seconds she escaped the bed. Okay, like...shoulda maybe done that last night. Unless they were sedated. Yeah, they were probably sedated. That's it.

0:33:53 - I'm pretty sure if I couldn't get out of the house, my first priority wouldn't be to lock myself in a bedroom, it would be to find a weapon. Oh, her arm's bleeding a lot from tearing out some kind of shunt.

0:34:32 - "If you don't open up I will cut your knees and pull your teeth out one by one without any anesthesia." Shiiiiit.

0:35:26 - She just opened a curtain and there he was outside the window wearing sunglasses and holding a gun. She is soooo fuuuucked.

0:35:36 - What is that, floor to ceiling bullet proof glass he's trying to break through? Seriously, what did the contractors think when they built that house for this guy? Anyway the girl can't get out of the room for some reason and he's gonna get her.

0:35:48 - Oh good she found the key...and crap, the window just shattered.

0:36:42 - She ran for like one second and fell into an indoor swimming pool. That'll definitely slow her down.

0:37:15 - Really doctor? Sunglasses indoors?

0:36:45 - Wait, my time is all off...what happened there? Ah well, I'm not going back. Let's just assume I went through a wormhole.

0:37:31 - Geez, there is a lot of suspense here. Is he gonna shoot her or what?

0:37:58 - He hasn't shot her yet. But he did share this piece of information: "All of my rottweilers also tried to escape just before the operation."

0:38:29 - Um...shit. She has just been informed that she is the middle piece of the centipede for sure because of this whole escape thing. Darn it. P.S. she's still swimming in the pool.

0:39:05 - So she's like "Just kill me now, I'd rather be dead" but then when the pool cover starts coming to, you know, cover the pool, she's all like "NO!" because she doesn't really want to die. And then he's beckoning her towards him. Ew. Bad man.

0:39:25 - Huh. She went under. There you go.

0:39:31 - The power went out. So the pool cover didn't cover the entire pool. Well, there goes that plan.

0:40:00 - So yeah, she got out of the pool in the dark and the doctor is gone somewhere, presumably to get the power back on. Ew, her stupid arm is really bleeding a lot.

0:40:17 - Hey, there's that broken window! Get out there right now young lady!

0:40:27 - No, seriously, hurry up.

0:40:40 - HURRY UP

0:40:50 - She's going back.

0:41:10 - Oh, to save her friend. Of course.

0:41:21 - I don't get what she's trying to do. Her friend's passed out...what? Carry her? She should have left. They can't make a centipede with just two people.

0:41:38 - Yeah, she's trying to carry her.

0:42:00 - Of course she kicked that super loud clattery bedpan. Alert the media, she's rescuing her friend! CLANG CLANG

0:42:37 - Yeah, all that grunting and whining is not helping out with the whole "stealth escape" thing.

0:43:14 - Still dragging noisily. Ryan just got home and he's in the room and he asked if they're having sex. Because that's the kind of noise she's making.

0:43:20 - They made it outside! Maybe they'll get away!

0:43:57 - Shot in the back with a dart. Darn, they were so close!

0:44:11 - The doctor has sunglasses on again. Even though he was just indoors where the power is off. I don't get the random sunglasses appearances.

 0:44:27 - He just stepped on her face to make her stop yelling for help. Bad ass.

0:44:42 - Now we're on the operating table with the Japanese guy. Scalpel. This is gonna be really bad.

0:44:52 - I'm blocking the screen with my hand as I watch because they showed a scalpel and then a knee. This movie is really great at creating suspense.

0:45:02 - Oh, wait, it wasn't a scalpel. I'm just imagining things to come I guess. It was a marker, with which the doctor is marking where to cut on knees and face. And probably anus too, although they didn't show that yet.

0:45:31 - I believe he is pulling teeth. I can't look.

0:45:40 - Yep, that's a tooth.

0:46:17 - I just shouted "OH NO, WHY AM I WATCHING THIS MOVIE?" at Ryan. There has officially been anus cutting.

0:46:51 - "OH GOD IT'S SO GROSS" ... that was me again.

0:47:12 - Now it's time for dr.crazy's coffee break next to the 3-dog grave?

0:47:14 - Now we're back in the operating theater. I don't know about this. 

0:47:18 - Whew, they're all connected now, I think. No more anal cutting. 

0:47:45 - my palms are all sweaty after watching that last scene. And now the doctor is in a suit and getting his window replaced.

0:48:34 - I still don't really get the whole knee extension thing. Really.

0:48:50 - The human centipede is sleeping on the living room floor. Japanese guy has a sweet playboy bunny tattoo. He's the "head".

0:49:15 - They're still sleeping and he's all like "Oh, my sweet centipede." How nice.

0:49:26 - Oh, are they like, knee reinforcements? That looked like metal under the bandage.

0:50:03 - He's waking up the Japanese guy who had no idea WTF was going on the whole time. This is not a good surprise.

0:50:12 - he's making the centipede "stand up". It does not want to.

0:50:39 - "YEAH! I DID IT!" sure did?

0:51:19 - Photo shoot!

0:51:32 - Showing the centipede what it looks like in the's very emotional.

0:52:05 - and now the doctor is making out with himself in the mirror. Um...?

0:52:46 - Nighttime...the centipede is locked in a dog kennel-like cage, and the Japanese guy is totally yelling angry things at the "European madman".

0:53:00 - And very touchingly, the two young ladies behind him are holding hands to reassure each other. I don't know where this movie can go from here, they're already a centipede and there's like forty minutes left. Also? This project is taking me like three hours.

0:53:28 - I don't get how they're making those crying noises if the anus is attached to their throat. Or maybe I misunderstood the surgery speech.

0:53:53 - We are outside. Doctor has sunglasses. Centipede is still wearing bandage/underwear things.

0:54:06 - Oh! The centipede is his new puppy! Bringing him the newspaper. Cute.

0:54:35 - The Japanese guy's pride is gonna get them in big trouble. He keeps dropping the newspaper out of his mouth! Bad dog human centipede!

0:55:20 - Oh no. The centipede is eating. Out of a dog dish. This is going to be gross.

0:55:38 - The Japanese guy just bit the doctor and said "That's what you get, I'm not your damn dog." Uh...

0:56:00 - ...and he just got ninja kicked in the face twice by the doctor. Meanwhile, the girls haven't stopped crying the entire movie.

0:56:38 - The doctor just said something racist and then went back to the most disgusting looking steak I've ever seen.

0:57:04 - Back outside, and the doctor is taunting the centipede, saying "bite my boot" and tapping it with a riding crop. Uh?

0:57:16 - Really? That was a chicken noise?

0:57:41 - Oh. No. The "head" just said "Oh shit, I have to shit." No. No. No.

0:58:10 - "Swallow it bitch." No. No. No.

0:59:03 - Doctor says it best: "Why didn't I cut your vocal cords?" Yeah, that's what I mean...why are they so loud?

0:59:28 - Yeah, that's what I wanted to see...the psycho doctor totally naked. Awesome.

0:59:57 - The centipede's making a very slow escape while the doctor swims. I mean...very slow.

1:00:43 - He's letting them escape? I doubt it.

1:01:04 - That sounds like corporal punishment.

1:01:59 - During a checkup, the doctor finds that the middle of the centipede is constipated and needs some laxatives. This is going to be gross.

1:02:35 - EW EW EW EW infection!

1:02:45 - "I think you're dying, I have to replace you." ... is that a good thing or a bad thing, really?

1:03:00 - The phone's ringing!

1:03:22 - It's the police! The Japanese guy yelled for help but after a little shushing he just sat there like a good doggie.

1:04:00 - I guess he took the call in another room or something? He just kind of hung up on the police after saying "just a second". Then in the next scene he's in the bedroom carrying a pair of shoes and changing his clothes.

1:04:20 - And the cops are at the door now?

1:04:33 - The cops look like vampires.

1:04:41 - He's letting them come in. I wonder if the movie will end happily now.

1:04:50 - Hm, the doctor sure did close the door roughly. I wonder if the cops are part of the 'pede now.

1:05:04 - The centipede is screaming its heart out downstairs but I guess they're in a soundproof room. That doctor sure did think of everything when he was building that place out in the woods.

1:05:37 - I have to say I sure love the German language. They're talking about how they found a car nearby and the people are missing. It sounds awesome!

1:05:53 - He's offering them a drink! NOOO! They asked for coffee.

1:06:02 - "I'm afraid I don't have time for coffee." How rude!

1:06:09 - The vampire police are giving each other knowing looks while he's in the kitchen.

1:06:30 - DRUGS in the water!

1:07:10- Centipede, still screaming.

1:07:42 - Bla bla bla, hey, what's with that giant cage in the corner there?

1:07:48 - Uh oh, the police are saying a witness heard an American woman yelling for help on his property. 

1:08:15 - The doctor is very offended by these accusations.

1:08:42 - After insisting the policeman drink his water way too hard, the police knocked the glass out of his hand. Drugging your drink is like his only move! What's he gonna do?

1:09:20 - Mister doctor started screaming and then apologizing like a crazy fella, then went to get a towel.

1:09:47 - by "get a towel" I mean "run downstairs where all the drugs are"

1:10:14 - Oh, what? He got a syringe and hinted pretty hard about killing "the Jenny tail". Say whaaaaaaat?

1:10:29 - Mercy killing? Then...A QUADRUPLET? Geez. Doctor, you are going too far.

1:10:40 - Aw, they're holding hands and crying again.

1:11:17 - Japanese head just got an idea and started moving.

1:11:37 - It involves a scalpel.

1:11:45 - We're upstairs again. The talkative policeman is asking what's in the cellar. Trust me dude, you do not want to know.

1:12:37 - In getting all uppity about not showing his cellar to the policemen who keep insisting, the doctor dropped his towel and...his syringe...on the floor. And they totally saw it.

1:12:45 - "And what is this?"

1:12:48 - "That? Insulin. I have diabetes." Whew, quick save, doctor.

1:13:20 - Ah, the police are leaving and coming back in 20 minutes with a search warrant.

1:13:48 - The doctor is panicking a bit and runs downstairs.

1:14:06 - Uh oh, whatever he found, he does not like.

1:14:26 - AAAAH! The centipede totally stabbed him in the foot somehow! They must have been hiding around the corner or something!

1:14:32 - And then they stabbed him in the knee! Yeah! Well, the front guy did. The girls just kind of cried behind him.

1:14:44 - And then he tore out the guy's throat with his teeth. That's what he gets, I guess.

1:14:59 - A lesson in Japanese counting. One, two, one, two. They're escaping!

1:15:13 - They haven't worked out "walking" yet? You'd think, what with all the being outside. What? Did he carry them up the stairs before?

1:15:31 - Oh, sure. The doctor isn't even dead. And yeah, there's the spiral staircase. How will they navigate that?

1:15:47 - That looks painful.

1:16:04 - Ew. Ow.

1:16:15 - The doctor woke up. There's severe bleeding, I guess because the end girl can't keep up with the other two. It's so gross.

1:16:41 - The doctor is climbing after them. I think the Front of the 'pede just made it to the top of the staircase.

1:16:50 - They're almost there! And he's almost catching them. SUSPENSE

1:17:02 - They're at the door! And the doctor is passing out on the stairs. Are they going to escape? GO CENTIPEDE!

1:17:11 - This doctor is fucked up. He is now licking the blood from the ass-to-mouth bleeding that dripped on the stairs. 

1:17:22 - Yeah, now that I look at her, that "tail" girl looks pretty ... um, dying. Doctor crazy has a super crazy face on now. And he has a scalpel. I think he's gonna get them! WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN?

1:17:55 - The centipede went into the bedroom. The head shouted "WHY ARE WE IN THIS ROOM?" Um, hey man, you're in the lead. Figure it out.

1:18:06 - Aw, the middle thought the window was still broken.'s solid.

1:18:33 - She gestured wildly to the lamp. Uh? They're going to break it again I guess?

1:18:50 - That Japanese guy is so bad-ass. He's still all "RAAH" and smashing the window even though he has two chicks attached to his ass.

1:19:00 - THE DOCTOR IS IN THE ROOM. Crawling with a scalpel in his mouth.

1:19:15 - The centipede is armed with a broken piece of glass. Are they gonna fight?

1:19:45 - Holy shit, they're totally going to fight.

1:20:00 - Dude still looks like a centipede-man to me.

1:21:41 - So the Japanese guy, instead of fighting the doctor, he made a big speech about how this is his punishment for leading a selfish life and then cuts his own throat with the glass. I didn't see that coming.

1:22:00 - Ew. They totally show him cutting his throat. And then he dies. Obvi.

1:22:25 - And then the phone rings. And the girls cry more.

1:22:31 - There's police at the door. VAMPIRE POLICE. No?

1:22:47 - Doctor crazy locks the 1/3 dead centipede in the bedroom. 

1:23:08 - He is crawling somewhere furiously. 

1:23:40 - And the police got in the house. I guess they got a warrant. The doctor is sitting by the pool, laughing. Because, you know, why not?

1:24:12 - Policeman one notices signs of struggle. Policeman two starts dry heaving for no apparent reason.

1:24:32 - Policeman two has gun drawn, is still dry heaving. WHY?

1:24:46 - Policeman one starts going downstairs. Policeman two throws up. WHYYY?

1:25:07 - Policeman one finds surgical area, policeman two breathes heavily in another room.

1:25:25 - The doctor drags himself to a corner with the scalpel in his mouth. Policeman two opens some door. Policeman one steps in some blood.

1:25:35 - Policeman one hears a gunshot upstairs and runs up there to check on his partner. 

1:26:01 - Policeman one busts into the bedroom and stumbles upon the 2/3 alive human centipede with its "Head" lying in a pool of blood. He almost passes out and then runs away looking for his partner... 

1:26:06 ...who he finds in the pool, shot. And the doctor is there with a gun.

1:26:22 - Policeman one is shot by the doctor, and then shoots the doctor in the head. So yay, he's dead at least.

1:26:44 - Aw, I kinda thought the police would make it through and save the day, but then he coughed a bunch and fell in the pool. So much for that.

1:27:00 - Gratuitous blood-spray footage.

1:27:30 - Centipede ladies are sad. And kinda stuck there in the bedroom attached to that dead guy.

1:27:58 - HOLY SHIT the other girl just died. SO GROSS and kinda sad. 

1:28:30 - POOR MIDDLE GIRL!!!!!!!

1:29:30 - The movie ends with her left alone there, attached to two dead people. Um. NO! NO NO